You can tell exactly how kinky someone is by the size of their sex toy collection. If someone’s top drawer is empty, they’re vanilla. If it’s full of plugs and rings and vibrators and paddles and cuffs, they’re kinky. If their top drawer is in fact a huge wooden chest and even that’s bursting out of the seams, get out of my bedroom.

Sex toys can be expensive, so it’s worth looking after them – and looking after your health as well. All your toys should be cleaned regularly and safely; don’t go dunking anything electrical or battery operated into a sink full of water. Clean toys with warm water and mild dish or hand soap, or invest in a made-for-purpose sex toy cleaner and use it as instructed. Crusty effluvia is not sexy.

You should never share an insertable sex toy with someone whose sexual health and history you don’t know, due to the potential of sharing blood and bodily fluids. If something is going inside different people, put a condom on it and use a new condom for every person.

The worst possible thing that can happen during a fun kinky session is getting something stuck; no one likes to end up in the ER explaining exactly how a lubed up knob of ginger came to be lodged inside their anus. While vaginal toys aren’t really at risk, as they’ve got nowhere to go once they’re inside, anal toys really need to be kept on a leash as they can sometimes get away from you, making them both a metaphorical and literal pain in the ass. Bum fun is excellent and thrilling and wonderful, but anything that’s going beyond your backdoor should have a handle, a base or something that you can grab on to and not let go. Anal plugs should have a flared base for you to keep hold of, and if you decide to make one of your own for a nice bit of figging on a Friday night, carve it so it goes inwards then out to create a base. And of course, use loads of lube with anything that’s going in an anus. It’s basic manners.

As you no doubt know, not all lubes are created equal – and this comes to their suitability for use with toys as well. Water-based lubes can be used with most sex toys, including those made of silicone, and condoms too. Somewhat confusingly, silicone-based lubes should not be used with silicone toys, as they tend to spoil the material over time. Oil-based lubes create a breeding ground for bacteria, so skip these altogether.

Finally, don’t play with anything sharp, fragile or easily breakable. You want to worry about when your next orgasm is coming from rather than whether or not you’re getting a graze on the inside of your hoo-haa. Play safe and play nice, kids!

About The Author

Lord Morpheous

Morpheous (Hons B.A., B.Ed) is a sex educator/author, photographer and kink consultant based in Toronto, Canada. His work is archived at the Sexual Representation Collection at the Bonham Centre for Sexual Diversity Studies at the University of Toronto, The Leather Archives of Chicago and the National Archives of Canada. He travels and presents across the Americas, Europe and Asia doing outreach to both academic and kink aware safer sex organizations.He is also the host of the world's largest single night public erotic Japanese Rope Bondage event during Nuit Blanche every year in Toronto, Canada.